I was very shocked by the fact that most specialists tell people not to admit to being unfaithful. I was deceived by my friend (we have been together for over twelve years and have a child). This liaison lasted almost a year, and he only spoke to me about four years later. He told me he did not want to talk to me about it because he thought I'd rather not know and close my eyes! I obviously suffered a lot from learning it but, above all, it was the notion of self-confidence which suddenly shook: he was able to hurt my back. I would have suffered much less to learn it sooner! The notion of trust is paramount within a couple.
He made a big mistake ... either! Two solutions, I assume or not, but there is no question that he hides it voluntarily. On the other hand, I understand that it is difficult to tell the other of this, for fear of hurting, for fear of losing the other ... In addition, not only during all this time has it hurt while continuing to blame himself, feeling himself stained with what he had done, while constantly lying to me on the subject. But it hurt me even more when I realized he could lie to me (in addition to the pain of his sexual misconduct!)
I hope he understood. I believe him. He is relieved, and our fading relationship (because I felt he had something that weighed on him but he did not say it) has improved. Anyway, I would have learned his infidelity this year by the friend of the one with whom he deceived me ... But it is clear that in this case, I do not know if I would have accepted. Especially so long after. It took me a while to admit, I could have understood (although I would have learned from someone else), but not four years later!
It is not "a shame to spoil a relationship" by admitting. To confess is to restore the confidence that has broken down by infidelity, to be a one-time, two-day, one-month pass ... It is to restore the confidence that two beings who love each other carry. In no case is it a question of spoiling a relationship, because the relationship is spoiled by the lie! By the way, I would have preferred to know it left to the fact that one separates for a time rather than silent. In fact, it was him he protected by keeping quiet and not me, for fear of losing me.
I also admit that I prefer for him that he feels better to have confessed to me, because he was not sincerely going well at all and that it was stupid. Do not think I take it lightly ... I still have trouble accepting. I suffered a lot from learning it and in my eyes he committed a very serious act.But, am I immune from this temptation? Right now, I have never cheated on it and I hope I never do it. But as the proverb says: "Do not say: Fountain, I will not drink your water."