Neurobiologists and psychologists agree: it is not the novelty or the variety that ensures the durability of desire in a couple, but the quality of the intimate relationship .
Flavia Mazelin Salvi
The tiredness, the stress, the routine, the weight of the years or the conflicts ... No one is more supposed to ignore that one of these causes is at the origin of the lasting decrease of the desire in the couple. Just as no couple believes it would be enough for a romantic weekend to relight the flame of the libido. However, faced with the desire that is absent, worried questions are always jostling in the consultations of professionals of the relationship. Is this the beginning of the end? How to envy again? Should we mourn love after a while?
"It must be said and repeated that desire is not a mechanics that works continuously," recalls Gérard Bonnet, psychoanalyst, author of sexual perversions (PUF, Que sais-je ?, 2011 But there is a misconception that has a hard life, is that the daily would be the enemy number one desire.In reality, the constraints, stress, fatigue should not be causes of lack of appetite but On the contrary, there are additional reasons to go in search of sexuality for all that we lack in everyday life: creativity, tenderness, pleasure! That said, we should not tell stories either, when 'absent for a long time or it disappears, it is the symptom of an impediment in the intimacy of the couple.'
This impediment, according to the stories, can be lifted or sign the final end of the relationship. receive two types of couples, notes Françoise Sand, marriage and family counselor and author av ec Yves de Gentil-Baichis Couple at the risk of the duration (Desclée de Brouwer, 2009). Those who, no longer wanting at all, come looking for confirmation of the end of their relationship. And those who, aware of a problem, want to find a satisfactory intimacy. "The first will try without conviction to restart the engine and will not succeed, the second will try to understand what has weakened or extinguish their desire, then attempt to to develop a common project
To return to oneself and to the other
It will first be necessary to give up an idealized self-image that makes the other bear the entire responsibility for the breakdown of desire . " In the consultations, we realize that the other is not apprehended in its reality. Many men complain about their partners' lack of sexual desire regardless of their emotional and relationship needs, and many women expect their partners to guess and arouse their desires and needs, "says Françoise Sand.Mireille Dubois-Chevalier, a doctor and sex therapist, also observes that the principle of unreality reigns supreme in many couples: "They are waiting for the great return of desire instead of tapping into what their couple has most singular, terms of fantasy, frequency, ways of receiving and giving pleasure. "
The sexologist stresses that desire can not be summoned, it can only be favored." By the curiosity we have about other, by the benevolence of the reception we give him, but also by the meaning we give him in the relationship. "