Couple

Couple: finding the right balance

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Merge or flee the commitment, be desired or sacrifice everything: often unbalanced, our love relationships can cause suffering and frustration. Psychologists help us understand our most common behaviors.

Anne-Laure Gannac

A first step towards change.

"I live only unrealistic loves"

"I collect impossible loves: married partners, phobic commitment ..."

Falling in love with an unavailable person is not a "symptom" disturbing in itself, unless this situation is repeated. One can then wonder if attaching oneself to inaccessible people is not a roundabout way of escaping engagement, of continuing to dream quietly to great love. Would one be so in love if the other was not married and father / mother? Is not this paternal / maternal image fascinating? A romantic relationship is unlikely to work if it is only a "pretext" to fill old gaps.

Finally, systematically experiencing a condemned relationship from the beginning can also reveal a lack of self-esteem. A person who feels uninteresting will look for someone "extraordinary" to restore the image of his ego. Now, the more we suffer from failures, the more we reinforce its certainty of not being worth much. It is by experiencing one's singularity, working one's "little" talents, developing personal interests that one will, little by little, stop being devalued and condemned to emotional loneliness.

"I give too much"

"I respond to all his desires, I anticipate them even, so that the other lacks nothing ... In return, I am reproached for being too invasive."

This generosity often conceals a lack of self-confidence that pushes to meet the needs of the other to reduce the risk of losing it, and especially in the hope of being loved. Now, for psychoanalysis, desire feeds on lack. To "feed" his partner in this way, by anticipating his least desires, we risk extinguishing in him any desire.

People who adopt this kind of behavior are often the ones who get into relationships early to escape from a stifling family environment, or, conversely, try to create this loving couple that they do not have. have not known in their parents. To mitigate the risk of isolation and autarky in the relationship, it is important to open up to other horizons, to diversify your interests, to leave the only sphere of love to return, more confident, better fed and therefore less "stuffy".

"I cling to love"

"When I fall in love, my whole life is transformed, I totally depend on that love."

If the passionate state is exhilarating in the early stages of the relationship, it becomes problematic when the loving attachment turns into dependence, that is, the inability to exist without the other. It makes it impossible or painful to build a lasting relationship.This addiction to love, which places us in the role of the child dependent on the parent, may reveal a refusal and / or fear of responsibility. the insatiable desire to fill a lack of love felt in childhood.

Finally, this dependence is sometimes the sign of a lack of self-confidence and self-esteem. fill a "void of identity." A long therapeutic work is then necessary to get out of this painful, repetitive operation, whose roots go back to childhood.

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